On behalf of America, I would like to apologize to all “Silver Foxes”. If it’s any consolation most people believe this man to be more of an albino ferret, than a silver fox. With all of my talk about Trump being a half way sentient tupperware container full of cooked carrots and daddy issues, sometimes I forget just how horrific Mike Pence is. A “two pence” or “tuppence” is a word stemming back to the 1400’s, which coincidentally was Pence’s favorite century. Aside from that time he suggested da Vinci paint clothes on the Vitruvian Man, he was considered a real progressive back then. Unfortunately, his beliefs haven’t evolved much over the last 600 years. Tuppence also happened to be a word used synonymously with “trifle”. Come on! A 600 year old “burn” synonymous with “trifling”, that literally includes Pence’s name? This has got to be undeniable evidence that the universe has a sense of humor. That shit is right on the money.
So who is Mike Pence? Well, I would argue that he’s the bowl of bigoted, lactose free, sugar free, low calorie, zero fat, imitation vanilla ice-cream, that is deceptively awful for you. The “dessert” they feed to poor unsuspecting senior citizens in low-income assisted living facilities. However, other than the world’s most revolting ice-cream flavor, this man also happens to be hateful, dangerously backwards and of course trifling.
Sure, he has all of the charisma of single ply toilet paper, so we’ll never have to worry about him being elected as President. (Or reelected if Trump gets the boot. Please LORD let Trump get the boot). And no, I don’t think he’ll blow up the world just because Obama can pull off wearing a tan suit. So he does have that going for him, but this by NO means makes him fit for office. Whereas Trump is openly insane, like most things “Pence”, his crazy is closeted. It’s insidious. Mike Pence is the termite infestation of “backwards”. Before you even know he’s attacking you, you’ll find yourself begging for a “tuppence” on the corner of a cobblestone street, circa 1450.
It is a FACT that one of Pence’s favorite materials to masturbate to is “The Handmaid’s Tale”. It’s second only to reruns of “How I Met Your Mother”. He has a serious crush on Neil Patrick Harris, but we’ll get to that in just a moment. When it comes to women’s rights and reproductive rights, Pence took one look at 1950 and said, “Egads, no”.
This man loves him some “pregnant”. During his reign as Indiana’s Governor he signed every, single pro-birth bill that landed on his desk. Including one that would define a fertilized egg as a “person”. Meaning that in some cases, even contraception would be off the table. He also introduced legislation that would have required funeral services for all fetal tissue, regardless of the fetus’s stage of development. And this wasn’t just applicable to fetal tissue disposed of during an abortion, but included miscarriages as well. I suggest us ladies start saving our used tampons and holding funerals for them. Just in case, you know? Otherwise Pence and Aunt Lydia are going to come take our eyes. In fact, in order to be safe, you should probably just have a pastor come over and recite Psalm 23 every time you flush the toilet.
It is an objective truth, that each time a woman’s body flushes an egg Mike Pence weeps. And in case you were wondering, the average funeral costs between $7,000 and $10,000 dollars. So that would be awesome.
Pence may be Vice President of the United States, but he is President of the He-Man Women Hater’s Club. All of this time we thought Trump was “Spanky”, turns out it was really Pence. In his quest to limit choice, he’s attempted to redefine rape. He openly complained about the Disney movie “Mulan”, due to its portrayal of women in the military. (Shocker, he’s against it). And if all of this isn’t creepy enough for you, he calls his wife “mother”.
I’d call him a mother fucker, but let’s be real; there is no way those two are fucking. He’s bred her, with the lights off and clothes on of course, and now she’s expected to primly sit around drinking tea and wearing a modest blue dress.
I honestly believe that Pence’s misogyny is directly related to self-hatred. This man is so closeted he’s living in fucking Narnia by now. There have been studies done that show links between homophobia and misogyny, as well as latent homosexuality and homophobia. If we follow the bouncing ball here, it will probably lead us to Mike Pence’s future singing in the Gay Man’s Chorus of Indianapolis. (Also shocking, there isn’t one). And listen, it’s not for me to say when or how someone should come out. That’s a personal choice, but since Pence cares fuck all about everyone else’s personal choices, while pushing an agenda of discrimination and hate, I just can’t find it in me to care about his privacy. Michelle Obama said, “When they go low we go high”. With all due respect Ms. Obama, when it comes to MAGA… “When they go low, we kick them in the balls and call them snowflakes for crying”.
And Pence went low. “Let’s bring back segregation, roll around in the dirt of bigotry” low. While he was governor, Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) that would allow places of public commerce to refuse services to gay people. Yup, he looked at Jim Crow and thought to himself, “Hmmm. That sounds like a good idea. Let’s apply it to gay people”.
Pence also has ties to James Dobson, the head of Focus on the Family. Not to be confused with, “Fuck us, we’re a family”. Which can be heard at LITERALLY all of my family’s events. Normally after someone does or says something unapologetically crass. Focus on the Family is bonafide hate group, that peddles conversion therapy, opposition to same sex adoption, claims anti-bullying campaigns promote “homosexual behavior” and pushes numerous additional agenda items that come straight from Satan’s playbook entitled, “How to Passive Aggressively Torture Innocent People”.
So that’s my “two pence” regarding this sexually repressed, packing peanut. He’s the “Brain” to Trump’s “Pinky”. All of the horror and hate, with none of the easily diagnosable symptoms of mental illness. In a way, he may be even more terrifying than the fascist skin flap currently residing in the White House. I know it’s exciting to think of Trump being impeached, but even if that happens this fight will still be far from over. Obviously. No, he won’t blow us all up in a nuclear war, but I just don’t think I can pull of that shade of red.