What the Borscht?

0

In advance of the mid-term elections, the Republican Party has coined the campaign slogan, “Red Wave Rising”. I’m assuming this was in response to “Blue Tsunami”, the term used by the Democrats for the purpose of motivating people to vote for “blue” candidates this coming November. Now, I’m not a marketing person, but there seems to be just a couple of issues with using, “Red Wave Rising”.

First, it sounds like something a teenage girl would mutter under her breath, when asking her friend if she has a spare tampon. Second, it could literally be the name of a Russian spy novel. And for obvious reasons, that is just NOT a good look for the GOP at this particular moment in time. They may as well throw a babushka on Newt Gingrich and toss him on Fox News, to dance the Hopka.

In fact, they already have. Here is an actual photo of him on Sean Hannity last week…

0

For a man in his 70’s, I was really impressed with how high he could kick. Russian dancing is not easy.

With Robert Mueller currently unveiling indictments pertaining to Russian collusion like matryoshka dolls – open one up, read it and SURPRISE there’s a new person implicated – one would think the GOP would avoid anything that sounds even remotely like a Tom Clancy novel. However, republicans appear to be really “leaning in”, when it comes to history’s most malevolent bro-mance. Donlimir.

And to think, we once thought Kimye was the ultimate, obnoxious celebrity couple.

Trump is so head over heels in love, that when a reporter asked him what was “in his gut” prior to the North Korea summit, Trump answered (AND THIS IS TRUE), “Nothing but borscht and Putin sperm”. On a side note, borscht and Putin sperm are the ingredients to the world’s most ineffective and profoundly disgusting protein shake.

When you look back over the past couple of years, it becomes clear that Putin is quite the little coquette. Whether teasing Trump with photos of himself riding horseback while topless, or unsuccessfully attempting to bend frying pans with his bare hands; Putin has left quite a trail of totalitarian turd crumbs which Pumpkin Pol Pot has been happy to follow.

Putin and Trump have been engaging in fascist foreplay for years now. Ever since Donald first clicked on Vlad’s Grindr profile, seen below…

0

  • Online
  • 4,861 Miles Away
  • 5’7, 180 LBS
  • 65 Years Old

LOOKING FOR:

Treasonous narcissists. Preferably orange colored.

HEADLINE:

I’ll glaze your face like a Krispy Kreme and install you as an illegitimate president.

This is REAL. This is Vladimir Putin’s ACTUAL Grindr profile. Trust me.

Since then, it’s been nothing but teasing tweets and news bites full of exceedingly creepy sexual tension. Not even Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski were THIS obvious. Since 2013, Trump has praised Putin’s prowess and strength at least 80 times. That averages out to roughly once per month. If he’s not tweeting about becoming BFF’s…

Screen Shot 2018-06-09 at 4.11.58 PM

He’s making embarrassingly obvious sexual innuendos…

“I know for a fact that he wants very much to come, but we’ll have to see.”

I’ve seen 14 year old girls with more “game” than this. I’m surprised the Sweaty Cheese Cube in Chief hasn’t already ordered a fighter jet to skywrite, “Donnie + Vlad 4Ever”. In fact, Just a few weeks ago, Trump had Nikki Haley pass the Russian ambassador to the United Nations a note, with instructions that he should hand deliver it directly to Putin…

0

This is true. They really did this. This is a copy of the actual note. I swear.

Of course, Putin is not immune to such flattery and after years of playing hard to get, he’s now granted Trump the chance to pledge “Delta Delta Despot”. “Delta Delta Despot”… The fraternity for when you enjoy your obnoxious machismo mixed with homoeroticism, plus a healthy dose of authoritarianism.

As Trump’s first act as a pledge, he was ordered to refuse the imposition of sanctions on Russia for their hacking of the American election in 2016. He passed this test with flying colors, even though congress had enacted legislation in an attempt to force his tiny, orange hands to clamp down on the Putin Regime. The administration released a statement citing, “effects on defense sales” as the reasoning behind not following the law, that Trump himself signed.

The President then added, “If my tiny orange hands clamp down on Putin’s anything, I promise you it won’t be his regime”. Followed immediately by mankind’s most disturbing “air kiss” into a camera. I promise you, this ACTUALLY happened.

Also, congress passed something????

Cumquat Twittler is now at the G-7, in the midst of his second hazing ritual. In between explaining to Justin Trudeau that Canada is a threat because they burnt down the White House during the War of 1812 (holy fucking shit, I’m really NOT making THAT up), and asking Theresa May if “Bangers and Mash” would be available on the adult pay-per-view network, he’s advocating for Russia to once again become a member. Stating that, “Russia should really be at the table” and we should return to being the G-8.

And yes, he needed a calculator to do that math, but he did manage to pull of spelling G-8 correctly. So… Consider me pleasantly surprised.

But anyway, this is despite the fact that Russia annexed Crimea from the Ukraine and has yet to give it back. They’re like the world’s worst neighbor, only instead of never returning your lawn mower they literally just move into your house and never leave. Yeah, and oh there’s that minor detail of them hacking our elections. Regardless, Trump is pushing hard for their return into the fold.

If he manages to pull this off, all that will stand in the way of his full initiation into “Delta Delta Despot” will be mopping up Putin’s vodka vomit, and running naked down the halls of the Kremlin with an olive shoved up his ass.

Sigh… The crazy things we do for love.

0

Yes, I understand that diplomacy with foreign powers is beneficial to our nation, however this does not mean we should be “friends”. “Diplomatic” does not mean you Netflix and Chill on a Saturday night, with a dude best known for poisoning political and journalistic dissidents.

Trump has repeatedly stated that he and Putin would “Get along great”, and that having a good relationship with him would be beneficial to the United States. That’s similar to saying we should all be friends with Jeffrey Dahmer, in order to avoid him eating us. I don’t want to be friends with a cannibal, or a cyanide happy dictator. I also don’t want to go to war with them, but I do want them to know that the reception will be chilly until they stop cutting people’s heads off and storing them in their freezers. Which I’m fairly certain that Putin, as well as Dahmer, has done at some point in time.

I also wouldn’t be shocked if Eric Trump had a few body parts in his fridge either. He just seems like the type.

I can only conclude, based on the inordinate amount of praise and ass kissing that Trump has bestowed on Vladimir Putin, he either has TERRIBLE instincts when it comes to romantic partners, or he is not even attempting to conceal the fact that he colluded.

Regardless, this isn’t going to end well for Carrot Caligula. If he did collude, Mueller will eventually nail his gargantuan, orange ass.

Or…

0

He’ll end up in Putin’s fridge. Because you just KNOW that he does shit like this. I am 100% sure there is a fridge, somewhere in the bowels of the Kremlin that has nothing but dismembered body parts stored in it. And maybe, some borscht.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s