Kim Jong UnBelievable


I am not afraid to admit that on occasion, I have been known to rock out to Dolly Parton. In fact, I am responsible for history’s worst ever rendition of “Islands in the Stream”. This was performed in the style of “Drunken Karaoke”, at a bowling ally in Michigan. I’m a white, mid-westerner. Of course, it was inevitable that at some point in my life I sing country music, in a bowling alley. The point is, Dolly Parton is a national treasure and I will turn the volume up, roll the windows down and lament with her about Jolene stealing her man any day of the week.

Since Trump met with Kim Jong Un earlier this week, one particular Dolly Parton song has been running through my head. No, it’s not “No Reason to Hurry Home”, although I’m sure Melania has most likely hummed that a time or two. The song I’ve been singing is “The Company You Keep”, wherein a young Dolly warns her sister that people are starting to believe she’s “cheap” due to the crowd her sister is running with.

Setting aside the fact that Trump is clearly not capable of running anywhere, he’s basically an anthropomorphic HoneyBaked ham with a bad haircut, the theme of the song remains applicable.

Who you are friends with says a lot about who YOU are.

Also, I cannot express how happy I am that Elton John’s, ‘Rocket Man” no longer pops into my head every time I hear, “North Korea”. Fucking hell, that was torture.

Speaking of which…


These are children starving to death in North Korea. Or as Ivanka Trump would call them, potential employees.

If the sound bird shit made when it hit your windshield was human, it clearly would be Donald Trump. However, there’s a difference between merely being a colossal bag of dicks and an ACTUAL murderous dictator. Kim might look like a somewhat, cuddly, Asian version of Guy Fieri, but his idea of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” is more like, “Despots, Degradation and Delusions”.

Kim Jong Un is the Regina George of world leaders. If instead of casting perky and lovable Rachel McAdams, the character had been played by a choad wearing Mo Howard’s wig. (Word to the wise, don’t google “choad” if you’re reading this at work, and mom don’t google it at all).

Say what you will about Trump, but as far as I know he’s never executed anyone using a cannon, which Kim reportedly did. Five times, actually. Some of his other greatest hits include rape, starvation, slavery, extrajudicial killings of civilians, forced abortion and prison camps. He’s murdered multitudes of innocent people, gorged himself while his people starved, denied even the most basic of freedoms and committed atrocities on par with Hitler. The few testimonials Amnesty International has been able to obtain, are at the very least stomach turning.

The only group with a “Greatest Hits” record worse than North Korea’s is Creed, which I assume Kim Jong Un orders played at full volume – on repeat – throughout all of his gulags. Creed… Because white people.

The point is, this is NOT the person whose lunch table you want to sit at. First, there’s a very good chance he would straight up eat you. And personally, I would prefer not to condone the torture, murder and oppression of innocent people. I don’t want to be associated with it at all. I want it to be very clear, that anything worse than forcing someone to eat at the Olive Garden, goes down as NOT OKAY” in my book.

And even that is kind of pushing it. Loaded pasta chips are NOT a thing Olive Garden. You make Italy cry.


Anyhow, just days after Trump gave a metaphorical Dirty Sanchez to our closest allies at the G-7 summit, he went on to meet with this human vomitorium.

It is not that diplomacy is wrong, or that we shouldn’t open a dialog with countries, specifically those that pose a threat to peace and the rule of law. And of course, war is not the answer. The problem here is that this was NOT diplomacy. This was capitulation and blowing sunshine up the ass of the world’s most murderous despot.

The ONLY thing that Kim Jong Un, or any good dictator for that matter, really cares about is himself. He doesn’t give a flying rat’s ass if we lift sanctions, because he doesn’t care that his people are starving. It is CLEARLY not effecting him.

He has two goals in life, legitimacy and power. His greatest desire, is to be praised. This is why he will not give up his nuclear weapons. They grant him enormous power, because the world knows he’s “Next Level” crazy enough to use them. This is the man who is so insane, he claims that he never shits, and then insists that his people acknowledge this as a fact. And if that wasn’t batshit enough for you, his best buddy is Dennis Rodman.

On a side note, Trump did zero preparation for this meeting, therefore Dennis Fucking Rodman was more qualified to handle it. Take a moment to unpack that, if you will. Donnie said he would know by “touch and feel”, if it was going well, because when you’re famous, they let you do that.

Ugh, it is 100% true that Trump’s birth certificate is actually an apology letter from the condom industry. That is a FACT.

But anyway, no this wasn’t diplomacy. Diplomacy involves negotiations, doing a delicate dance between statesmanship and walking a hard line. It means knowing what the other party wants, and what they are willing to give up in order to achieve their end goal. You have to know what YOU’RE willing to concede and when to walk away from the table. Compromise. Give and take. Chess.

None of that happened. North Korea just pulled a, “grab ’em by the pussy” on Trump.

We handed Kim Jong Un the only things he wanted – praise and legitimacy – and we did not get a single concession from them in return. America is clearly going through its obnoxious teenage phase right now, but we’re still widely considered to be the one great super power (even if all of the other countries are calling us “Twatzilla” behind our backs). This means that even a photo of Kim Jong Un standing next to the President, with our flags waving side by side, big smiles on their chubby faces, $8.00 hair cuts blowing in the wind, is the geopolitical equivalent of matriculation.

Here is an actual photo of Trump inviting Kim Jong Un to sit at the “adult’s table”…


And while they sat at that table, Trump did not once mention North Korea’s human rights violations. In fact, no one really knows what they DID talk about, because no one else was allowed in the room, with the exception of translators. I’m assuming it was 45 minutes of Trump bitching about how much it sucks to preside over a country with pesky things like a rule of law, and a free press.

So Kim Jong Un now has the same legitimacy as a leader that Angela Merkel or Macron have. He stood on a stage with the leader (using that term loosely) of the world’s most powerful country, while millions of people watched, and can now go back to his isolated nation and tell them, “See! I told you we’re just as powerful. No need to change anything. We’re great”.

He didn’t even have to suffer through an awkward conversation about how shooting people with rocket launchers is not okay. And EVERYONE who has the misfortune of dining with Trump has to, AT LEAST endure ten minutes of unprecedented, “Holy Sweet Fucking Jesus” level, discomfort.

Just ask Mitt Romney…


That is the face of a man in pain. His eyes scream, “Help me!”

And after this meeting was done, Trump announced that he thought Kim was smart, funny and strong. As though he was doing a confessional on “The Bachelor”. Kim Jong Un is a mass murderer and a tyrannical monster. Trump sounds like the new kid in high school sucking up to the bully everyone is afraid of, by lauding him with praise and adoration. Perhaps, instead of photo ops with the hostages that were released under his administration, Trump should actually sit down and LISTEN to what they were subjected to. I would guess their descriptions of Kim would not match Trump’s. Nor would the thousands of people suffering and dying under his regime.

And by the way, Kim Jong Un… Worst choice for “The Bachelor” EVER. I don’t care how good the ratings would be. Hard pass.

North Korea gave up NOTHING, and got in return the two things most desired by Kim Jong Un. They didn’t stop their nuclear tests for this meeting. They’ve stopped them, because they now have the capacity to strike ANYWHERE in the U.S. They didn’t release the hostages to get this sit down. The release of North Korean hostages happens under EVERY administration, including 10 times under Obama. The nuclear site they blew up, well that was ALREADY useless. They didn’t even pay for their hotel, SINGAPORE did.

So no, this wasn’t diplomacy. This was cozying up to the world’s worst human rights violator, in a desperate attempt to get a foreign policy and political “win”. That is having the SHITTIEST taste in friends the world has ever seen. If this is “The Art of the Deal”, it’s safe to assume Trump is no da Vinci. In fact, here is his ACTUAL placemat from the summit…


As soon as we find Melania, I’m sure she’ll hang it up on the fridge.

Not even 24 hours prior to Trump touting Kim Jong Un as his new “bestie”, one of his aides said that there was a, “Special place in hell” for Justin Trudeau. Canada’s worst crimes against humanity are unleashing Nickelback on us and being the reason Crayola includes the annoying (and utterly useless) white crayon, and we’re condemning them to hell. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is paving his roads with the body parts of children and he’s, “smart and funny”.

That says more about Trump, than it does about Trudeau or Kim. Because the company you keep is a direct reflection of who you are, or who you are trying to be. It is clear by his words, actions and total capitulation to North Korea, that Trump is going for more of a “Kim Jong Un” look, rather than a “Trudeau”.

I mean, come on…


Even Trump knows, he’s not going to be able to pull THIS off.







One Comment Add yours

  1. Denise Zlonkevicz says:

    Once again you are spot on! It truly is UnBelievable!

    Liked by 1 person

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