When I was in grade school, I was seated next to an odious, little turd. They shall remain nameless here, however this was the type of child that would make Jesus consider violence as an answer. The teacher had set the room up, where each “table” consisted of four desks pushed together to form squares throughout the space. I’m not sure whose sandwich I metaphorically shit in, but karma somehow placed me in the seat next to this mini-Hitler. Now, it wasn’t that this person was mean per se, it was more along the lines of hypocritical and self righteous.
I swear on all that is holy, the following is a true story… (On a side note, this proves that some shit you just never let go of).
Everyday this kid would come into class and bring three rulers with her. She would then place the rulers parallel to the edge of her assigned desk and, in a royal fashion, decree that this was, “Her property”. If something belonging to you accidentally ended up on her territory, she would put it inside of said desk and refuse to give it back because, “It was on my side, so too bad”. Each day, the rulers would move a little farther out, so that her “property” was steadily increasing, and everyone else had an ever shrinking area to work in. Thus, making it easier for the little weasel turd to claim rights to our belongings.
When you’re in third grade, you don’t have many options available to you. I could have told the teacher, but that would have most likely ended with me sitting next to “Johnny Box O’Rocks” who would spend all day making fun of my cankles, (yes, I had those even when I was nine). Hard pass on that. I’d rather deal with the budding robber baron. I could follow my mother’s advice and ignore her, however that wouldn’t solve my issue. Or, I could beat her at her own game. And so began the great turf war, of 1990.
Rulers were snapped in half. Super glue, emptied down drains. Crayons confiscated and then returned as nubs. I didn’t start the war and I didn’t make up the rules, but you had best believe I was going to beat that little shit at her own game. The more I fought back, the more she would complain that, “I wasn’t being fair” or “That’s not nice”, because apparently she didn’t like the taste of her own bullshit.
I would have been content to let it go – had it stopped at merely her desk – but once she started infringing on my space and taking my supplies… Well, now it was an INJUSTICE. Buckle up buttercup, because you just unleashed a little, nine year old Kraken, with one wicked set of cankles. Before too long, she surrendered. One day, she simply didn’t set up her “boundary lines”, and we eventually found a way to coexist peacefully. However, if I hadn’t decided to give her a taste of her own medicine… If I had bought her line about this, “not being fair”… If I had allowed myself to be held to a different standard… If I hadn’t been fierce in my belief that this was wrong, and my actions to fight back were justified… She would have kept going, eventually teaming up with Johnny Box O’Rocks and Becky Homecky to form the third grade equivalent of the “Axis of Evil”.
Below you can see an ACTUAL picture of what a third grade level, Axis of Evil looks like…
They’re making evil stupid again.
As much fun as this little trip down memory lane has been, I’ve not told it just for shits and giggles. Nor have I revisited my third grade, storming of the proverbial beach as some sort of “DIY” therapy. In fact, I am calling on Democratic candidates and liberals to realize that it is time to release our inner Krakens. The Trump administration and the GOP started this war, they’ve defined the rules, and their actions have become INJUSTICES.
It is time for us to cease allowing ourselves to be held to a different set of standards. Stop apologizing for telling the truth. No more, “being nice”. Every time we allow them their double standard or back down from what we know to be right and just, they expand their “property” a little further. Pretty soon, the entire neighborhood is going to look like this…
Because nothing screams, “I’m superior” like waving the flag from a war you lost almost 200 years ago. Plus, they’re just fucking idiots.
Five years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Not because they WEREN’T fucking idiots back then, but I would have believed I needed to sugar coat the truth with a nice glaze of liberal compassion and intellect. By the way, “Liberal Compassion and Intellect BBQ Glaze” can only be purchased at your local, vegan farmer’s market and it tastes like losing. It is a fact, that Trump dips his balls into it before tea bagging the civil rights of minorities.
So yeah, I would have probably said something along the lines of, “I understand that poor and working class white people often feel disenfranchised, which can lead them to seek solace in racially charged ideology…” Blah. Blah. Blah. But what I was REALLY thinking was, “They’re the human equivalent of a black mold infestation and I’m fairly sure they were birthed out of their mother’s asses”.
We can no longer pander to their white fragility. Nor can we play into our own feelings of superiority, by attempting diplomatic reasoning in the face of unambiguous hate and ignorance. If their feelings are hurt, I suggest they suck it up, because the truth DOES hurt. The ideological right, has built momentum and gained power by unabashedly screaming, “Fuck off” to truth, logic, facts, diversity, equality and even their own best interests.
So to them I say… It’s beginning to look a lot like FUCK THIS! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
They can clutch their pearls, bless my heart and tell me, “Your language is just vile and discredits you”, all they want. But we all know this is faux outrage, because they voted for this…
And supported the man who said that like this…
So go ahead and clutch those pearls, folks. I do so hope you realize that “pearl necklace” you’re grasping was a gift from Putin. (You may have to look up “pearl necklace” in the Urban Dictionary, just don’t do that at work. Also mom, don’t do that at all).
So welcome to an even playing field, Republicans. You wanted some nasty women and bad hombres, well here we are. Not only can we get just as mean as you, we have truth and fact on our side. We have righteousness, to your self-righteousness. And there are MORE of us.
Conservatives can no longer lay claim to their being representative of America. A trans woman eating humus in her New York City apartment, is JUST as American as apple pie and Main Street. Small towns and football on Friday nights are no more worthy of respect and a political voice, than are big cities and poetry slams. It is time for all of the wonderful, liberal elitists in this country to put their white hats on and wade into the political mire. Proudly and unapologetically declaring everything we know to be true.
That when Obama said…
“They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”
He was RIGHT! That statement is true and he NEVER should have apologized. Also…
He pulled that shit off. I don’t care what anyone says, the man can rock a tan suit.
So conservatives, pull up your bedazzled, confederate flag tube tops and hold on to your butts. Here are some additional items we will no longer be tip-toeing around or apologizing for…
- We should socialize the shit out of healthcare and that INCLUDES public funding for contraceptives and abortions.
- Wealth redistribution and raising taxes on corporations, as well as the richest among us, are NECESSARY for the continuance of our Republic.
- Not only can NFL players kneel during the anthem, they can piss on the fucking flag if they’re so inclined, as can EVERYONE ELSE. That’s called free speech.
- The military and defense spending do NOT need one more red cent from our taxes. In fact, we should slash that budget and invest it in social programs.
- Coal jobs will NEVER return and humans ARE responsible for climate change.
- Every non-violent, drug offender – whether incarcerated or not – should be pardoned, YESTERDAY. Weed should be totally legal and the rest of the drugs decriminalized.
- Assistance programs such as SNAP and TANF are GOOD, and need to be EXPANDED.
- Islam is NOT synonymous with terrorism, and those that hate us do so because we’ve invaded their land, over thrown their elected leaders and exploited their resources. We should ACCEPT refugees with open arms.
- You do NOT have the right to own ANY gun you want, or as MANY as you want. That is NOT what the 2nd Amendment means.
- Immigrants are NOT criminals, and we should grant amnesty to the undocumented people who are living here, therefore providing them the opportunity to come out of the shadows.
- I don’t care what the hell your religion says, when you enter into the realm of public commerce you serve the PUBLIC, regardless of whether or not you religiously agree with who and how certain people have sex.
- Palestine DESERVES to be an independent state.
- The police and the justice system ARE racist, and having a “tough job” does not give them an excuse to discriminate or KILL.
- Money is NOT speech and corporations are NOT people.
- If you act and/or speak like any or all of the following… A racist, a xenophobe, a homophobe, a sexist, a misogynist, an Islamophobe, an anti-semite, a liar, a cheat, a box of rocks, a dick face or a halfway sentient Tupperware container full of despotic acorn squash and daddy issues… YOU ARE THOSE THINGS.
If that threatens you? If that scares you? Then please accept my, “thoughts and prayers” along with this…
And believe me when I say, you have released the Kraken.
So welcome to the “Hunger Games”, Republicans. Where we fight the war YOU started, and we ALL follow the same rules. The ones YOU put into place. Where good and justice will triumph. Where the wave will not only be “blue” it will be BLACK, BROWN and FEMALE.
And might I just add, thank you. You’ve inspired all of these, elitist, academic brains, to grow one massive set of mother fucking balls.
Game on, assholes.