My older sister is an amazing pianist. We have photos of her from when she was four, playing my grandmother’s upright piano. I assume she was probably banging out Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2. Meanwhile, all of my childhood pictures appear to capture me attempting to eat the Christmas Tree decorations or picking my nose. Anyway, my parents quickly figured out that they had at least ONE really talented child and signed her up for an extensive array of extracurricular activities. Around the time I turned 12 and was old enough to be trusted not to shove large glass objects into my mouth, my mother agreed to let me remain home alone while she took my sister to her weekly classes at, “Albert Einstein’s School for Amazingly Gifted Older Siblings That You’ll Never Live Up To”.
This was like hitting the jackpot. I jumped on all of the beds. I tried on all of my sister’s clothes. I watched all of the movies that my parents had told me were too mature for my age. And one time, I had like 11 Oreo Cookies for dinner. As it turns out, cookies do crumble. So when my mother returned home later that evening she was rightfully suspicious as to why the living room was liberally sprinkled with little, black crumbs.
Considering that I had been the only person home, it was pretty apparent that I was responsible for this. It was also completely obvious that these were Oreo crumbs. My mother was witnessing the aftermath of my cookie binge with her own two eyes. She SAW the mess. She KNEW I had been the only one there. However, when she asked me if I had gotten into the cookie jar I replied, “Nope. That doesn’t look like crumbs to me. I must have tracked dirt inside”.
Clearly I had watched Star Wars one too many times. I sincerely thought I was going to somehow “Jedi Mind Trick” my way out of this like I was a miniature Obi Wan Kenobi…
“These are not the crumbs you’re looking for. We’ll be on our way now.”
Shockingly, this didn’t work. Because like most people, my mother knew that what you see is indeed actually occurring.
Unlike my preteen self, I won’t lie to you. This week when Trump stated…
My first thought was, “Phew”. Because what I’m seeing is a halfway sentient, sociopathic glob of orange Silly Putty, with a bunch of used needles sticking out of it, pretending to be the President of the United States. Then I remembered that reality doesn’t work that way, and I rolled my eyes so far back into my head that my spine slid out of my asshole; because of COURSE Trump would think that “Big Brother” was a “Really fine man”.
I’m guessing that he has Sarah Huckabee Sanders read him a chapter from “1984” each night before bed, since there is NO WAY this human wedgie of a president is capable of reading anything longer than the menu at a “Denny’s”.
And this has been the running theme of Pumpkin Pol Pot’s administration since LITERALLY DAY ONE, when he sent former Press Secretary and Spice Girl not invited to the reunion tour, Shifty Spice, to tell the press corps that his inauguration crowd was the largest in the history of the country. Even though, we have photographic evidence to the contrary…
If you charged people to come listen to Jar Jar Binks slowly read aloud “War and Peace” and told them they would not be allowed to leave until the very end, including the afterward, it would STILL draw a larger crowd than Trump’s inauguration. That is a FACT.
Don’t get me wrong all politicians lie, but what comes out of Trump’s mouth is the verbal equivalent of, “Sudden Onset Explosive Fire Poops”. They happen so rapidly that it isn’t possible to process the first one, before he’s already blatantly conjuring something else from thin air. They’re so obviously false and audacious, that hearing them literally hurts so bad that your anus puckers up. By noon, Twitter looks like someone splatter painted it with turds, just bullshit EVERYWHERE. And when dinner time rolls around, you feel like you’re on an unhinged gyroscope, plummeting off of Mount Gas Bag.
Take for example, when he tweeted…
This was within two weeks of him siding with Russia over our own intelligence agencies.
We watched as he let Putin straight up “tea-bag” him on national television, and then he tries to cram this bag of hot cheese and cat piss down our throats. Can someone please inform him that refusing to swallow after giving Putin head does NOT make him “Tough on Russia”? He followed that up by, AND THIS IS 100% TRUE, claiming that Olive Garden is “authentic” Italian food and stating that “2 + 2 = Shower curtain”.
So no, this isn’t your run of the mill political bullshit. It’s not merely making campaign promises that you know you can’t keep, or talking out of both sides of your mouth. This is akin to George Washington shooting up a bunch of Mexican Black Tar Heroine and then telling his father, “Yeah, that wasn’t a Cherry Tree. It was Shaquille O’Neal’s penis covered in genital warts, growing out of the ground”.
As of his 466th day in office, the Washington Post had clocked him at over 3,000 false or misleading claims. Trump is obviously about ten dimes short of a dollar, but I will give him credit for creativity. Lying that often and that obviously takes one hell of an imagination. There’s no way he could come up with half of this shit, if he didn’t have help from his friends.
Take for example the anthropomorphic Polish Sausage constantly in the throes of a myocardial infarction, Alex Jones. Seen here in this ACTUAL picture of him…
This is the man who claimed the Sandyhook Massacre was a staged performance by Obama, so that he would have cause to take away everyone’s guns. Trump has been a guest on InfoWars, the radio show run by Jones, who has claimed that 90% of his listeners are Trump fans.
Then there’s Sponge Sean Square Head and man screaming “Yee-Haw” while balls deep in a tub of uncooked ground beef…
Give Hannity an hour of airtime and a ball of yarn, he’ll somehow manage to show you that Hillary Clinton in conjunction with an army of nefarious unicorns, were the real perpetrators behind the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Even though Clinton wasn’t alive during the attack and unicorns don’t exist, he’ll still “prove” it.
Mix these three douche-cretins together, and you get an extratropical cyclone raining down absurdity and hot dog water over everything within a 5,000 mile radius. And the most infuriating part about this is that they don’t believe the fucking, deranged shit they spew. The ONLY reason they do this is because it MAKES THEM MONEY. A LOT of it.
So I guess when Trump said that what you’re reading isn’t really what is happening, he WAS partially correct. If you visit any of the “news sources” listed HERE, what you’re reading isn’t worth a pinch of puppy shit.
And in the end, the joke is really on the Three Splooges up there…
Because I don’t care how creative you can get when you brew up your conspiracy theories, NOTHING will be as insane as the truth.
That we elected a failed businessman, B-List reality star with below average intelligence and hair like a Sasquatch’s pubes, who wants to sleep with his own daughter and is openly in cahoots with Russia.
Top that shit, Alex Jones.