The Truth According To Trump

My older sister is an amazing pianist. We have photos of her from when she was four, playing my grandmother’s upright piano. I assume she was probably banging out Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2.  Meanwhile, all of my childhood pictures appear to capture me attempting to eat the Christmas Tree decorations or picking my nose….

Is This Real Life?

  I once cracked a bowling ball with my head. I am not making that up. One moment I was stopped at a red light, and the next I was being rear ended by the car behind me going roughly 35 MPH. There was approximately one tenth of a second between my realizing what had…

Bitch Perfect

Women aren’t complicated. I know a lot of men like to say we are, but this just isn’t true. We’re basic human beings that eat, sleep, work and YES even poop. When we say, “I’m fine” it almost always actually means that we’re fine. If we’re being quiet, it doesn’t automatically imply we’re giving you…

Fight or Flight

I know almost every, insane statistic pertaining to how safe air travel is. For example, you can fly every day for 38,000 years before experiencing a plane crash. A meteorite falling from the sky and bashing your brains in, is LITERALLY more likely than YOU falling out of the sky while flying. You have a better chance…

Greatest Hits

  I have the distinct honor of being the only person in history to be called, to her face no less, a “Cum guzzling pussy fart”. That is some creative shit, right there. Bravo, dude who said it. The moment that I was bestowed with this prodigious title, I laughed. First, how could I not?…

Release the Kraken

When I was in grade school, I was seated next to an odious, little turd. They shall remain nameless here, however this was the type of child that would make Jesus consider violence as an answer. The teacher had set the room up, where each “table” consisted of four desks pushed together to form squares…

Cult 45

If I had to sum up my undergraduate years using only two words, they would be “broke” and “drunk”. This combination led to mass consumption of alcoholic concoctions that can best be described by the sentiment, “Ugh, I think I’m going to barf. Pour me another one”. There was the time I mixed tequila and…