The man in this photo was not always known as Sam Spade. Prior to that, his name was Salvatore Spada. He was many things in life. The following list is not comprehensive… Speakeasy Look Out Boy Failed Boy Scout (He never earned a badge, because he was too poor and too busy running the streets.)…
Take A Knee
One of the lesser known Muppets, is Sam the Eagle. The Swedish Chef once called him the most underrated, “Burka Flurka” on the show. That is a fact. He really said that. It is also 100% true that the Muppets are God’s greatest gift to us. However, I’m only bringing them up here because Colin…
Shit Show
The old idiom goes, “It takes one to know one”. So let me present myself as America’s leading authority on shit shows. My credentials include the following three instances which are all 100% true. And I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that only one of these happened while I was inebriated. I managed…
Box of Rocks
I read on the internet once, that cancer pre-dates big tobacco. Clearly we can’t believe everything we read on the internet, but I’m pretty sure that this is universally agreed upon. It apparently also was around before numerous other man made carcinogens, but for this analogy we’ll focus on big tobacco because they’re assholes and…
TupPence
On behalf of America, I would like to apologize to all “Silver Foxes”. If it’s any consolation most people believe this man to be more of an albino ferret, than a silver fox. With all of my talk about Trump being a half way sentient tupperware container full of cooked carrots and daddy issues, sometimes…
The Courage of Our Convictions
The first time I employed the courage of my convictions I was in 6th grade. It involved a bathroom pass and a bad case of the shits. My teacher at the time, who shall remain nameless, refused to allow me the use of said bathroom pass. Even though I followed the proper procedure – i.e….
Porn Stars, Children & Comedians
North Korea. Fascist Italy. Russia. Nazi Germany. I pose the question, what do these societies have in common? Besides Trump owning action figures of their leaders, of course. That’s true though, he takes them out and plays with them every night. Even has a specific order in which they must be placed back on…
Oh, SNAP
I’ve never been “poor” or “impoverished”. I have been broke, though. So broke that at one point my entire collection of kitchenware consisted of one fork, one spoon and one plate. I skipped the knife, because it seemed like an unnecessary expenditure, and who needs a glass when you can chug straight from the carton….
Narcissism, Thy Name is Trump
I was recently asked, “What does it feel like to be an American living through the Trump Administration?” My instinctual response was, “exhaustion”. It feels like exhaustion. As though you’re running an uphill marathon, while carrying a giant, anthropomorphic pumpkin – that is clearly in excess of 239 pounds – who is constantly screaming blatant…
An Open Letter To The Press Corps
Dear Press Corps, In the two months or so that I’ve been active on Twitter, I’ve seen some top shelf crazy. I’ve seen people discard facts and incompetence like dirty tissues. I’ve seen their heads explode when their white privilege is challenged. I’ve seen them call on the government to arm teachers, instead of pass…
The Blizzard 