Faking It

My first job after graduating with my bachelor’s degree was working at a wilderness camp for at-risk youth. This involved hardcore, outdoor living. Canoeing for miles and then setting up camp. Cutting down trees with hand saws and chopping wood. Building fires and cooking over them. Cockroaches big enough to strap saddles on and ride…

Night of the Living Stupid

Every story needs a good villain. Without the Joker, Batman would just be that weird dude wearing a black rubber suit. If Nurse Ratched wasn’t part of the story, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” would be a dry documentary on the inadequacies of mental healthcare in the United States. Villains tend to be the…

The Truth According To Trump

My older sister is an amazing pianist. We have photos of her from when she was four, playing my grandmother’s upright piano. I assume she was probably banging out Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2.  Meanwhile, all of my childhood pictures appear to capture me attempting to eat the Christmas Tree decorations or picking my nose….

Greatest Hits

  I have the distinct honor of being the only person in history to be called, to her face no less, a “Cum guzzling pussy fart”. That is some creative shit, right there. Bravo, dude who said it. The moment that I was bestowed with this prodigious title, I laughed. First, how could I not?…

Cult 45

If I had to sum up my undergraduate years using only two words, they would be “broke” and “drunk”. This combination led to mass consumption of alcoholic concoctions that can best be described by the sentiment, “Ugh, I think I’m going to barf. Pour me another one”. There was the time I mixed tequila and…

The ICEman Cometh

I present you with two stories. One of them happened during the 21st century, under the policies of the United States Government… “Officials told her to put her son into the back of a government vehicle. Her hands shook. The officials wouldn’t tell her where they were taking him, only that she would not be…

Kim Jong UnBelievable

I am not afraid to admit that on occasion, I have been known to rock out to Dolly Parton. In fact, I am responsible for history’s worst ever rendition of “Islands in the Stream”. This was performed in the style of “Drunken Karaoke”, at a bowling ally in Michigan. I’m a white, mid-westerner. Of course,…