I am a libtard. A snowflake. A socialist. A feminazi. An elitist, academic bitch, truth teller. I am in the company of RBG, Gandhi, MLK and all the others who have chosen the right side of history. My role models are the imperfect people throughout history, regardless of their political affiliations, who have chosen to…
Kim Jong UnBelievable
I am not afraid to admit that on occasion, I have been known to rock out to Dolly Parton. In fact, I am responsible for history’s worst ever rendition of “Islands in the Stream”. This was performed in the style of “Drunken Karaoke”, at a bowling ally in Michigan. I’m a white, mid-westerner. Of course,…
What the Borscht?
In advance of the mid-term elections, the Republican Party has coined the campaign slogan, “Red Wave Rising”. I’m assuming this was in response to “Blue Tsunami”, the term used by the Democrats for the purpose of motivating people to vote for “blue” candidates this coming November. Now, I’m not a marketing person, but there seems…
Maximum MAGA Reached!
Last week, I hit maximum MAGA capacity. I liken the feeling to the time during seventh grade when I was staring at a boy I thought was cute. Everything was going okay. I was walking the perimeter of the basketball court with a group of friends, when I looked over and caught the eye of…
Jesus Ain’t Say That
Much to the despair of my mother, I did not take to organized religion like the proverbial fish to water. She even threw me into the deep end of the metaphorical pool, in order to teach me how to swim with the Catholics. Then the Presbyterians. The Methodists. Even the non-denominational Christian church down the…
Blowing Hard
Most people have heard of the disappearance of the fishing boat named, “Andrea Gail”, whose captain’s last words to the crew were believed to have been, “She’s comin’ on boys, and she’s a comin’ on strong!” Famed writer Sebastian Junger immortalized the story in his book, “The Perfect Storm”. The 1991 Halloween Nor’Easter has been…
Memorial Days
The man in this photo was not always known as Sam Spade. Prior to that, his name was Salvatore Spada. He was many things in life. The following list is not comprehensive… Speakeasy Look Out Boy Failed Boy Scout (He never earned a badge, because he was too poor and too busy running the streets.)…
Take A Knee
One of the lesser known Muppets, is Sam the Eagle. The Swedish Chef once called him the most underrated, “Burka Flurka” on the show. That is a fact. He really said that. It is also 100% true that the Muppets are God’s greatest gift to us. However, I’m only bringing them up here because Colin…
Shit Show
The old idiom goes, “It takes one to know one”. So let me present myself as America’s leading authority on shit shows. My credentials include the following three instances which are all 100% true. And I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that only one of these happened while I was inebriated. I managed…
Box of Rocks
I read on the internet once, that cancer pre-dates big tobacco. Clearly we can’t believe everything we read on the internet, but I’m pretty sure that this is universally agreed upon. It apparently also was around before numerous other man made carcinogens, but for this analogy we’ll focus on big tobacco because they’re assholes and…
TupPence
On behalf of America, I would like to apologize to all “Silver Foxes”. If it’s any consolation most people believe this man to be more of an albino ferret, than a silver fox. With all of my talk about Trump being a half way sentient tupperware container full of cooked carrots and daddy issues, sometimes…
The Courage of Our Convictions
The first time I employed the courage of my convictions I was in 6th grade. It involved a bathroom pass and a bad case of the shits. My teacher at the time, who shall remain nameless, refused to allow me the use of said bathroom pass. Even though I followed the proper procedure - i.e….
Porn Stars, Children & Comedians
North Korea. Fascist Italy. Russia. Nazi Germany. I pose the question, what do these societies have in common? Besides Trump owning action figures of their leaders, of course. That’s true though, he takes them out and plays with them every night. Even has a specific order in which they must be placed back on…
