Elitists, Libtards, Snowflakes & Other Truth Tellers

I am a libtard. A snowflake. A socialist. A feminazi. An elitist, academic bitch, truth teller. I am in the company of RBG, Gandhi, MLK and all the others who have chosen the right side of history. My role models are the imperfect people throughout history, regardless of their political affiliations, who have chosen to…

Boiling Frogs

I came to the realization that I was officially getting older about two years ago. At first I thought it was a case of “Rapid Onset Curmudgeon”, but then I started to reflect on my behavior and realized it was more of a gradual trend towards grumpiness and joint pain. I found myself having to…

Night of the Living Stupid

Every story needs a good villain. Without the Joker, Batman would just be that weird dude wearing a black rubber suit. If Nurse Ratched wasn’t part of the story, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” would be a dry documentary on the inadequacies of mental healthcare in the United States. Villains tend to be the…

The Truth According To Trump

My older sister is an amazing pianist. We have photos of her from when she was four, playing my grandmother’s upright piano. I assume she was probably banging out Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2.  Meanwhile, all of my childhood pictures appear to capture me attempting to eat the Christmas Tree decorations or picking my nose….

Is This Real Life?

  I once cracked a bowling ball with my head. I am not making that up. One moment I was stopped at a red light, and the next I was being rear ended by the car behind me going roughly 35 MPH. There was approximately one tenth of a second between my realizing what had…

Bitch Perfect

Women aren’t complicated. I know a lot of men like to say we are, but this just isn’t true. We’re basic human beings that eat, sleep, work and YES even poop. When we say, “I’m fine” it almost always actually means that we’re fine. If we’re being quiet, it doesn’t automatically imply we’re giving you…

Fight or Flight

I know almost every, insane statistic pertaining to how safe air travel is. For example, you can fly every day for 38,000 years before experiencing a plane crash. A meteorite falling from the sky and bashing your brains in, is LITERALLY more likely than YOU falling out of the sky while flying. You have a better chance…

Greatest Hits

  I have the distinct honor of being the only person in history to be called, to her face no less, a “Cum guzzling pussy fart”. That is some creative shit, right there. Bravo, dude who said it. The moment that I was bestowed with this prodigious title, I laughed. First, how could I not?…